waiting

it seems like that's the theme of my life. i am always waiting. it's no surprise, actually. i've known this for quite some time and it's been re-confirmed to me on several occasions. as most of you know, dave and i are going to have a baby in late january. it's pretty exciting and nerve racking and crazy! all at the same time. we have been wanting to find out the sex

of the baby since we had the chance. well, we've had two chances, and it's still a mystery. i think God superglued it's legs together. ha..ha.. He sure has a sense of humor. i have been wanting to know most of all, i think...i'm pretty neurotic when it comes to being organized. i have been dying to get everything in line before the baby pops out. but.. i guess i'll just have to wait. on the brighter side, it's healthy and content and pretty much awesome, so i really have nothing to complain about. we'll sure find out eventually, right? i hope so! =o)

change is like...

change is like a dirty diaper. it's stinky, overwhelming, sometimes nauseating, and downright intrusive. i haven't changed many diapers in my life, maybe one or two, but i distinctly remember every detail about them, which is disturbing if i do say so myself... =o) but there is something about change that is rather cleansing (like putting on a new diaper, not that i wear them still...anyway.) my husband and i are facing change. it's uncomfortable, but i think that that is expected. i don't know about you, but once something happens in my life, i am pretty content with staying there for a long long while. i like being nestled up in that tight little comfort zone i have, and once i step out of that, it's cold... and awkward. this change that is occurring in our lives right now is just that, cold and awkward. that's certainly not a bad thing to face, it just uncomfortable.
God has been speaking to me a lot lately about life decisions and changes that are taking place. i have always been a "what if" thinker, and these what ifs have been popping up more than usual these days. it can make a girl go crazy i tell you. i am trying to not let those what ifs get in the way of God's peace and hope that he is constantly giving me. what could be more comfortable than to know that i am going to be taken care of, and i don't have to what if it all the time? nothing...
i have obviously been through change before and have experienced some of what i am experiencing now. i always know that in the end of this changing cycle everything works out so well, it's just that transitioning point that i don't like very much. but, like a dirty diaper, life needs to be a changed at times and given a new layer.
ahh.. now that's refreshing. =o)

"the secret"

so there's a new fad in town. it's called "the secret." i haven't watched the dvd, but i have heard alot about it. it's everywhere. on the internet, on popular secular television programs, like oprah and ellen (not too surprising actually), at my work, in the lives of my extended family, and in my dreams. it's like i am being totally exposed to this secret. hmm...some secret. i guess it's this thought that if you constantly think it, it will happen, no matter if it's bad or good. so why hasn't anyone flown, or ruled the world with such great power and authority, besides satan? i know it's a crock, but it's insane how so many people believe it. why would you want to depend on yourself for every single thing, and be responsible for everything that happens or doesn't happen to you? how stressful it would be to think it would be your fault. your life depends on your thoughts. think positive and your dreams will come true. that sounds like a big headache to me. i guess it's pretty easy to fall into this mind set. we're humans. we're down right selfish and satan knows that he can totally mess with that. whatever it takes to get your mind off of what really matters, which is Jesus, he will. he has with people that i know. i guess i should look at this as an opportunity. there is definitely some significance to this circumstance, and i am truely ready for it.

life as they know it

life. everyone's is different. well...to some extent. over the past month or so, life has been knocking at my front door. not life as in breathing, but as in who i am, my future, careers, my hopes and dreams. i feel like i am having a midlife crisis, at the age of 21. is this normal?! all these options and decisions are rather confusing. And... i say that with some irritation attached, to make things a little bit more confusing, people that i have come in contact with lately, people who don't even really know who i am, share their expectations that they have for me, and they all seem to be the exact same thing...hmm, interesting. maybe this has been around since the beginning of time and i am just noticing it, but the way people live their lives and pursue things, are from what others tell them they need to do. for example, children go to school for 13 years or so, and then graduate. this is surely an accomplishment to be celebrated. after 13 years of education, it's exciting to finally be free and do what ever you want...right? well, not really. college is the next step. it's pretty much expected from your parents, your siblings, friends, coworkers. so you can't possibly not go or drop out because everyone is expecting you to be a success in that area. oh, and by the way, you better know your major by the time you set foot into the door of the college your parents influenced you to go to, because they themselves went there. since college is so important, you can't get married until you finish school, because if you get married before hand, you will drop out and that would make you a failure. this, of course, would be damaging to those around you, because you have not lived up to their expectations. when you graduate from college, get a high paying job. money is the key in life, at least that's what everyone says. making alot of money will make you happy and secure, then with your wealth of security, you can have kids. but when you have kids, make sure you put them in a day care, so you can work and make more money. this, ladies and gentlemen, is reality for a majority of people in the world! maybe i am exaggerating a little, but it seems to me that life is supposed to be written out for you in this order and you must follow it, or you will be considered a failure. why are people so hung up on expectations? i have been struggling with that for a long time, and now i am realizing that the only thing that matters is what Jesus wants for me. What is he calling me to be? i don't want all of these expectations on my shoulders. what will it get me? maybe money, maybe success, and that's great, but it will also get me stressed, unhappy, and wanting more. but with what God wants, i will surely be happy, relieved, and content, and that would be worth more to me than what this world can provide. this is simple. this is good. this is the way my life needs to be.